Details of a Few Others

Seems I'm getting my chops busted because I didn’t do what I was told to. Well, I did, sort of. Not what They had in mind, though. Details They said. Details. Damn. Fine then. Details it shall be. Or at least some, eh?

A brother from another mother in Uniontown, PA says I could walk into a room of 1000 women. 999 perfectly sane, intelligent, warm and loving. The 1, bat shit insane, narcissistic and self involved? Yep, she's the one for me! No doubt, there is nothing wrong with me that several years on intense psycho therapy wouldn’t cure! Actually, probably wouldn’t help at all. I'd wind up a case study, and the therapist would need a therapist when all is said and done. Nothing like watching a mental health professional lose it. Yes, I have a twisted sense of humor.

I previously highlighted some of my earlier involvements. Now a bit deeper. “D” was my first wife. Why I married her I still have no explanation for. Loneliness? Rebound from a previous long standing relationship? Possible. Plausible. Probable. Certainly inexcusable. Not having a clue as to what love was, I confused the physical with the emotional. Sex was love, and love was sex. What a dumb ass. At the time I was drinking enough to kill most people. I had developed my addiction to alcohol into an art form by then. I am also well aware I was a bastard to be around. Sober was a myth, and not one that held any truth for me. If I wasn’t drunk I was hung over, working on my next drunk. I must have been a walking nightmare to live with. However, she was no angel either. When I learned she was pregnant, from the guy next door, I walked. Seems she had difficulty keeping her pants on. I still remember the meeting I was called to after our divorce. Sitting around the table at a local bar were 7 close friends, guys I was in the military with. I was out of the military by then, “D” was still serving. At our apartment we would have insane all night parties. I would drink myself into a stupor then pass out. Whoever happened to be there, she would have sex with. All 7 had, at one time or another, some several times, been at those parties. Each of the 7, including many whose identities are still unknown, had slept with my wife. While I was passed out in the other room. The memories of what happened after they divulged this information are still fuzzy.

A few years later I met and moved in with the woman who would give birth to my children. That was a nightmare from jump. I tried to do the honorable thing when she told me she was pregnant. In all honesty she was supposed to be just another one night stand. I had grown up without a father, or a mother. I didn’t want my children to know how that felt. At the time it sounded like a good idea. Yes, alcohol influenced. Several years of that insanity, add a daughter, and the obvious became apparent. There wasn’t a chance in hell that relationship was going to work. Add to it I had an affair and the end result was a foregone conclusion.

By then I had enough of women. I decided, in my alcohol induced stupidity, every woman would pay. Pay dearly for the pain they had caused me. At no time did I realize I had done it to myself. I was not prepared to admit the fault lay with me. I was to blame. So I burned through them. Dating 5 at a time, with three rules. 1) You are not the only one. 2) Never forget where the door is. 3) Never, ever, tell me you love me. The worlds biggest asshole, huh? Oh yeah, to a whole new degree. I had them passing each other in the halls. Six weeks later I would dump all of them, and find 5 more. That stupidity ended with wife number two. I thought I had found “the one”. Still no concept of love, an emotional cripple. Our marriage was doomed from the start. “S” and I are friends now, and we talk occasionally. We really tore it up together and had some wild ass years. When I refused to be put on a shelf, taken down and occasionally dusted off, then replaced, I revolted. Considering the fact, which I learned after the divorce, she was drunk when she took her vows, I'm thinking she wasn’t that serious at the time. Maybe it was just fear, but I still find it insulting she had to get drunk to marry me. Huh, imagine how she must have felt when she sobered up.

About the time of our eventual divorce, I was waking up to the blood that flows through these veins. The Ancestors were calling and They weren’t taking no for an answer. I met “A” then, and what a mistake that has turned out to be. Three years together, most not bad. I simply reached a point where I was done. There was nothing more to give. It wasn’t in me, it wasn’t there. She could not accept that, and ever since has done everything possible to make my life a living hell. Even after I was there for her, when we weren’t together. There to support her daughter and granddaughter. Hell, I even bought her a car. Paid bills. Fixed things. Now, she tells people I'm a fake, a wannabe plastic medicine man. Even went so far as to try to trace my genealogy to show the world how white I am. Now that’s demented. And she wonders why I left. “A” is a mix blood, like myself. She is very caught up in the idea of what she, and many like her think a matriarchal society is. The belief is the women were in charge, and men must bow before them and submit. Very, very confused.

Years passed from then on where I remained single, and mostly celibate. By then I swore I would go gay if it weren’t for the sex. Then its just two men having a rational conversation. But me gay is hilarious. Never happen. I love women. Always will. Which of course is what gets me into most of the trouble I've been in. I am an idiot.

“T” was my next nightmare in waiting. I met her at my first Sundance. She was heading for the cook shack, walking away from me. Long legs and dark hair all the way down. She turned and hit me with those cat green eyes and I was done. Stupefied. We spent time after the dance, but there were commitments I had made, promises I had to keep. We agreed if Grandfather wanted us together, a way would be provided. Four years later in Ogallala, there she was. It was like those four years had never passed. We spent that summer together, and she came east with me. Her job was canceled, no home, no money, no options. Come east with me I said and work with me and the buffalo. That lasted three months. I was living in a small apartment then, but that wasn’t good enough. I was delivering pizza to make a few extra bucks to get to Sundance and to send money to help those who needed. “T” wanted a bigger place, so we found a house in the middle of nowhere, an hour and a half from where I was working. Now I'm driving three hours a night, plus delivering, just to give her the place she wanted. Wasn’t enough, and neither was I. I came home one night, after weeks of her crap, to find she had left. Neither hi, bye or kiss my ass. Just gone. I found out later from various sources, it depended on who you were which story she told. I was fake. I was crazy. My medication made me mean. With her being friends with some very powerful people in Indian Country, she still makes my life miserable.

Now we are at “B”. Oh my god what an amazingly stupid mistake that was. Out of loneliness, I agreed to a physical relationship only. Six weeks later, possession began to show its ugly face. After I learned she had accused me of have a threesome with two Elder Grandmothers, she had to go. I'm not going into detail of her insanity, but safe to say crazy doesn’t cover it. Not crazy as in, oh she's crazy. No, crazy as “in we the jury find the defendant”, (thank you Chris Titus). When I finally rid myself of that creature I breathed a sigh of relief. Relief that lasted momentarily. Seems she contacted AIM, told them I was abusing women in ceremony, using ceremony to get laid and pretending to be a medicine man. Immediately every woman around she could influence jumped on the “lets kill hawk” wagon. Internet threads were started and I am still maligned. Still accused of doing things I would die before even considering.

Enter “S” number two. A bible thumping jesus freak sky pilot. I told you I am a sick man. My thought was this could be a prefect union. Religion and spirituality, together with the two Sacred Animals. What the hell was I thinking? Obviously I wasn’t. Religion is some serious stuff, and to the die hard, nothing is humorous. In spirituality, everything is humorous, especially die hard religion. A year later, that crashed and burned. She believes she is the Great Goddess of the Celestial Beyond here to shed light and wisdom on us mere mortals. Being white she needed an avenue into the First Nations. I was that avenue. Her thought was I would conform. Submit to her interpretation of what I should be. She would be in control and I would be the Indian in the cupboard. When I wouldn’t behave, she tried the oldest trick in the book. She took the car, sex and money, which I never asked for yet she insisted on giving. The thought was I would capitulate, crawl back on my knees and beg forgiveness. Promising to always be a good boy. Hah. Imagine her surprise to show up with all her crap on the porch. Now, she has taken over representation of two Sacred Animals, mimicking everything she watched me do. The enclosure looks like a christmas tree. Ties and flags of all colors hanging everywhere. No point or understanding to numbers of and position. Not a drop of native blood in her, but now teaching and displaying First Nations culture. And its all my fault.

We are now up to now. I'm alone again, on my own. Probably safer for everyone. The point to all of this? You figure it out. Learn what love really is. Do not get involved out of boredom, loneliness or lust. Get to know each other, deeply. There are many you can live with. There is only one you cant live without. Find them, know them, and allow true love, absolute true love, to envelope you both for however long your journey through this reality is. Its much easier to settle than to wait. But settling will come back to bite you in the ass. Patience, trust, and respect. You walk beside each other, neither in front or behind. One takes the lead now and again, but the two always return to together. Wait for that unity. Look for that unity. When it finds you, live that unity. Or do the same stupid crap I did and prepare yourself for hell on earth.