Me, Myself and a Few Others

Lots of stuff coming at me this morning. Memories of places traveled, people I have known. I have been so many places, seen so much, seems a limitless pool of experiences I can draw from. Taking Superdog out for his morning romp gives me a chance to spend a few moments each day with Them. Giving Them the opportunity to tell me what to tell you. I've been on a tear these last few days, painting furiously some of the incongruities so blatantly apparent to me. Now, They ask I share some of me. Things that are painful to remember, yet cathartic to write. Is that the point? Am I continuing to heal, as some of this works its way out? Leaching from my soul bits and pieces of the pain I live with daily. Maybe. Maybe I don’t have long left on this rock, and what I have experienced will help someone in some way. Maybe I think too highly of myself, and what I really need to do is shut the hell up. But where is the fun in that?

Well, we're off. On a journey that helped to shape me into the lovable, socially acceptable member of society I am today. OK, stop laughing. I know, that was hilarious. Me, socially acceptable. That hurts to even think about. A very dear friend once called me a teddy bear...with teeth. I always liked that. Seemed at the time, and still does, quite appropriate. Back to the topic at hand, what made me, me?

Everything has a beginning, and I am no different. After meeting some blood relatives, in this case an Aunt, I learned I was born in the back seat of a car. And promptly dropped on to the concrete. Seems my journey through this life was defined breath one. Out I came. Down I went. Welcome to pain, fool. This has been the journey since. One of absolute pain, yet so much beauty.

The first five years were spent with dear old mom. Well, that’s euphemistic if ever a statement could be. Between prostitution, drugs, bikers and god knows what else, lets call it interesting. The continuous dropping off at doctors or wherever she could find. As in left there, only to find my way home. Eventually mom got it right. Two weeks spent in an second story apt. with a few of my siblings, from 6 to infant, alone. No food, no one to care for us. Mom gone for good. Dad in Viet Nam. Guess someone eventually found us and into the system we went. Yeah me! Not.

It goes without saying I have issues with emotions. Especially love. Now there was an emotion I lacked any concept of. After years of wading through the pedophiles and monsters of foster care, I found myself in a home with a wonderful Elder woman. She was as close to a mom as I could have ever known, if I had let it happen. By then I was so screwed up, there wasn’t a chance in hell. God knows she tried. This is also the time I got involved with my first serious relationship. First loves, you never forget them. Although I'm sure she would love to forget me. Spent several years on and off with her, looking for that elusive emotion. As wrecked as I was, I wrecked everything we could have had.

By this time I had developed a serious alcohol problem that would define my life for the next 25 years. By 16, I was blacking out. If there was a drug, I was taking it. In the process of attempting slow suicide, I burned through women as fast as I could meet them. Looking for love, acceptance. Except I didn’t accept me, didn’t love me, so how could anyone else? I married, twice. I divorced, twice. I fathered two children, both from the same woman thank god. Didn’t raise them, their mother made sure of that. Now they are grown, and having been raised with the stories of me from their mom, well, they don’t want anything to do with their dad. My daughter continues to send me some ugly emails, but I understand her lashing out, even if she doesn’t.

Somehow, some way, I found myself here. Doing what I do, for everyone else. In service to all the Relatives. Weird, huh? I did eventually find love, otherwise I never could do this. I met her in Great Bridge, Virginia while I was staying with my sister for a few months. And I never saw it coming. The first time she kissed me, I hit my knees. Not figuratively, not metaphorically. Literally dropped. She walked into a room and I melted. I couldn’t breathe when she wasn’t there, beside me. With her, every love song, every poem, every painting made sense. Her touch burned, embers on my skin. Her smile more beautiful than all the stars in the sky, seen in the cool desert night. I looked into her eyes and have been lost ever since. Three months I was given with her. Then, she left. Having just come out of a nasty marriage, one she had entered into while still a teenager, she was in no way prepared to do anything serious. She was working through the process of discovering who she was. That knowledge and understanding did nothing to ease the pain as my soul was stripped from my body. Her departure, even to this day, causes me the greatest pain I have ever known. Although I understand I could not do what I do without having learned that lesson, that is a lesson I would have much preferred not learning. That is pain no words can describe.

Much, much more has happened since then, but those are stories for another day. This is simply an over view of some of the highlights that make me such an interesting character. Why I do some of what I do. Although what I do is the polar opposite of what these experiences usually create in a person. I am happy to meet the acquaintance of all reading these words. Maybe what I have lived through will help, in some small way. I've said many times before, in order to understand something, you have to have lived it. And boy howdy have I lived it. In spades.

Please, no comments about how I will find love again. Please. Why am I writing this? Hell, I don’t know. They told me to, and I've learned, albeit painfully, to do what they tell me to. I really don’t need my ass kicked by Them...again. Maybe this provides some credibility to the man behind the mask. I've lived life. Not imagined it, not read in books or watched in movies. Dined with kings and paupers. Drank with rock stars and miners. How long I have left is anyone’s guess. There are volumes haphazardly strewn about the recesses of my mind. I guess I have a story to tell. I presume some are interested in listening. Tune in next time, to the next exciting episode of me, my life and the characters I have shared it with. My only suggestion is hang on tight, its been one hell of a ride.